I am running out of things to say. Its very hard to find the positive. Dance is holding me together. The rest of me is falling apart.

Its like in the narnia movies... the trees fall so far into themselves that they stop singing, talking, and dancing.

I can't stop dancing, but I'm running out of things to say... and that is rare for someone like me.

Heck! Who the hell am I anymore?

CSI... Law and Order... or the 1600s in Renaissance France/Italy

My life has gotten worse before it can get better. This week 2 girls I know were sexually abused... there was alcohol poinsonings... hazings.... its been bad.

So I've been throwing myself into what I wish I could do... where I could be... not a place, but a time. The 1500s - 1700s in Renaissance France and Italy... the literature is incredible, and I am in love with the poetry of Michaelangelo. If you like his sculptures, you should read his letters.

I'm even calling my mom to get books that have been out of print. I am reading texts that were last published in 1920s! How I miss the world that valued fine art. Now we all listen to rap and are obsessed with crime.

*sigh* Leonardo is my soul mate... thank god people thought Fillipi was gay *chuckle* ... otherwise, we might have a tad of a debate.

Try to think positive. Only 3 weeks to freedom

Freak. I'm a Freak.

My dance lesson was cancelled this morning and at first, I didn't know what to do. I decided to draw outside and listen to some 80s tunes, which of course gave the hung-over frat boys another reason to call me a freak.

Freak. Painting Pig. Loser. The list goes on and on... but this was the first time they actually used the word freak. I am a Freak.

And I think I like it. I think I am okay being different. It's taken me a while to accept that I'm not like everyone else, but I have accepted it. I'm a freak.

Current times:

- the neat freak

- "freaky fresh"

- "super freak ... super freak-ay!"

An older usage refers to the physically deformed, or having extraordinary diseases and conditions, such as sideshow performers. A "freak" in this sense can be formally defined as someone not falling within typical standard deviations. Freaks can be classified into two groups: natural freaks and made freaks. A natural freak would usually refer to a genetic abnormality, while a made freak is a once normal person who experienced or initiated an alteration at some point in life (such as receiving surgical implants). "Freak" continues to be used to describe genetic mutations in plants and animals, i.e. "freaks of nature." "Freak" can also be used in a verb form, and can mean: "to become stressed and upset". Usually, in this form, the word is followed by "out" to complete the phrase, "freaking out". However, this meaning and usage is usually considered slang. ...

Freak Accident.

Freak Show.

Freak Wave.

Freakonomics.

Freakazoid....

You get it? The world is filled with freaks. There is no such thing as being normal, yet people cling to idea of normalcy.

If all of the things that make me who I am - define me as a freak, then so be it.

I just need to find my Circque du freaks to spend my time with *laugh* I don't expect people to be perfect, just understanding and open minded. There is so much more out there; so many undiscovered, abnormal things.

I want to find them. They are just like me.

I am a Freak.

Ouch... but thankyou

Have you ever felt like your heart was ripping in half inside of you ... like a CSI blood and guts close up... as if Michael Jackson is screaming the free willy theme song in your ear with such passion that your ear feels like it might fall off?! I have... I asked my professor to file my papers for transfer along with a letter of recommendation. It hurts knowing these are my last two months with the most amazing professors I have ever encountered. If you ever get a chance to choose who you work with for a sabbatical, I highly recommend:

Benjamin Gardener, Philip Chen, Jeremiah Enright, and Ryan Aronoff... this includes (in order) my drawing professor, printmaking professor, english/reading/radio station instructor, and media/film analysis instructor.

Please take the time to know the men that have greatly encouraged me. They continue to remind me that I am the only person like me... no duplicates...

So even though my heart is ripping right out of my being... I'm sure I will keep in touch with all of these professors. Without them, I have no idea where I would be.

Thank you... and please, help me to stop crying. That's my mom's job.

A + B = C... what about D?

"If you don't have anything positive to say, don't say anything at all"...

Haven't we all heard that saying one time or another. It is the reason why I haven't written anything lately. I haven't had much positive to say. I've felt very... stuck.

About five minutes ago, my mother and I had a talk. More like a conversation that involved me sobbing and her deciphering my tears on a long distance phone call, but you get the gist. She and I realized that I have figured out things beyond my years, and am stuck dealing with my generations poor decisions and consequences. I don't feel anything. I'm numb in almost every way... but then I have the fine arts.

I ran back to the dance studio about an hour after my lesson yesterday simply because I didn't feel safe on campus. I don't feel safe. The fine arts are my shelter. They are who I am. I sleep in the Harmon Fine Arts Center when I can't sleep in my own room. I would rather be covered in paint and crash next to my easel than in my own room. That is when you know there is a problem.

My mom and I decided that in mist of all that pain, and everything I'm encountering.... there is something more. There is another aspect of the equation that I can't see.

A + B = C ...

but if that is what we expect then we wont see letter D approaching! And no... I don't know what letter D is ... but it exists.

There is something more. Something else. And I have to find it. I don't want to carry around the negativity that people throw at me. And when art and dance art criticized, where am I to go? I have to find letter D.

Every Part Of Me

I know most of the world thinks "Hannah Montana" is full of crap, but right now, I love her more than for a few laughs from the Disney Channel on a low evening. I feel really connected to her song called "Every Part Of Me". I've been though a lot of things that have made me stronger, and given me everything I wanted... but now I'm not sure where I stand. I really need to take some time and think through the big decisions I have ahead. And the ones I've made... were they the right ones? I've changed a lot since last May... a lot. Now, I wonder ... where do I fit? Can I still be every part of me? And the people I met since that change, I owe you an apology... I must seem like a crazy person.

LYRICS:

I feel like I'm a million miles away
From my self more and more these days
I've been down so many open roads
But they never lead me home
And now I just don't know

Who I really am,
How it's gonna be,
Is there something that I can't see?
I wanna understand

Maybe I will never be who I was before
Maybe I don't even know her anymore
Maybe who I am today ain't so far from yesterday
And I find a way to be
Every part of me

So I'll try
Try to slow things down
And find myself
Get my feet back on the ground
It'll take time, but i know I'll be alright
'Cause nothing much has changed on the inside

It's hard to figure out
How it's gonna be
'Cause I don't really know now
I wanna understand

Maybe I will never be who I was before
Maybe I don't even know her anymore
Maybe who I am today ain't so far from yesterday
And I find a way to be every part of me

I don't wanna wait too long
To find out where I'm meant to belong
I've always wanted to be where i am today
But I never thought I'd feel this way

Maybe I will never be who I was before
Maybe I don't even know her anymore
Maybe who I am today ain't so far from yesterday
And I find a way to be every part of me

Every part of me.